Tales of the Parodyverse

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J. Jonah Jerkson
Tue Aug 02, 2005 at 11:35:39 pm EDT
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The Baroness, Part 33. Schemes and Devices
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The Baroness, Part 33
Schemes and Devices

High above Parodiopolis, a new Zemo Zeppelin floated above the clouds, invisible to the populace and Stealth-protected from the authorities. Once again Elizabeth Zemo and Silicone Sally were aboard, almost filling the airship's tiny communication cabin.

"Time to pin down the Lair Legion, Sally. Bring on the Yurt!"

"I can't get to the radio, Your Excellency," the Flexible Felon replied. "You’re in my way."

"Scrunch back over there, and I'll shift by you," the Baroness suggested.

"I can't. The hyperwave double sideband controls are in the way--ma'am."

"What do you mean, you can't? You're rubber!"

"Why do I always have to stretch myself out of the way?" Sally whined.

"Because you can, and I'm paying you?" Elizabeth replied in a simpering voice, coupled with a saccharine smile that almost demanded a brick to the face.

With a grumble, Sally thinned herself and squeezed post her somewhat chunky employer to reach the radio transmitter. She intoned a code phrase and then reached up to activate a monitoring screen. As it flickered on, the first image was the Inconceivable Yurt bursting through the side of the double-thick armored car that had brought him once again to the foot of the Twin Parody Tower.

"Yurt smash!" could be heard across the plaza, and at the sound, every Paradopolitan in earshot ran for the nearest escapeway with hardly a scream or smidgen of panic. Practically every one of the millions of residents had seen or endured a Yurt encounter in the last couple of years; getting to safety quickly and quietly was almost instinctive.

"Now let's see what the Lair Legion does about that," the Baroness remarked.

"What about the Yurtbusters?" Sally replied.

"They won’t be available for a while," Elizabeth smirked. "Herb Garrick got some hot intelligence about dangerous mutants in Alaska. O.K., Sally, crank up the Yurtie a bit more. He's not being destructive enough." The monitor showed the chaotic Commieslavian smashing a few cars at a languid pace.

“Will do, Your Excellency." She grasped a microphone. "Hey, Stoneface!" boomed from loudspeakers throughout the Shelton district. "Your mother wore bellbottoms."

"Says WHO!!" the walking housing disaster roared.

"Definitely stupid," Elizabeth praised Sally.

Sally went for double. "She thought potato sacks were a fashion statement."

"That's right!" the Yurt concurred, gaining two feet in height with the stupidity increment.

"Hmm, I didn't expect him to agree with me. Hey, Yurtsie, wanna take on the Lair Legion?

"Lair Legion? Yurt crush puny Lair Legion!" And with that declaration the Yurt gained five feet of girth and began throwing empty buses at the 40th floor of the Twin Parody Tower. Bystanders shrieked, police officers emptied their revolvers in futile attempts to disable the monster and ambulance sirens wailed.

Traffic suddenly pulled to the curbs as two large black SUV's with ''LL" stenciled on their sides careened down Stark Avenue and into Parody Plaza. Moments later Hatman, CSFB! and Trickshot vaulted out of the first truck, followed by Falcon, Yuki Shiro, Nats and DBS from the second.

Hatman rattled off orders. "Just like we practiced, guys. Falc, Nats, stand off, pound him from the air and be ready for rescues. Streaky, get the civilians out of the way first, try not to take too long to get women's phone numbers and get back here. The rest of us will try to knock him out or at least try to force him towards Off-Central Park.”

“Nothing stop Yurt! Yurt shred soft Lair Legion! Hey, who you?” the Yurt boomed, pointing at Yuki Shiro. Despite her electronically enhanced reflexes, the android hesitated for a moment, uncertain of how to attack the monstrosity and surprised by his interest. That was enough for the Yurt to slam the Lair Legion’s newest hero with a barn door, knocking her into the piled thatch around his sides, which constricted to trap her.

“He’s got Yuki!” Nats shouted over the commlink, as he unleashed a blast of telekinetic power at what he thought was the Yurt’s weakest point, the chimney.

With the Yurt bulked up with Sally’s stupidity fix, the blast didn’t even dislodge a brick. “Yurt like little girl with purple hair! She fun toy!” Intent on saving their teammate, all of the other six Legionnaires attacked the walking structure with everything they had.

“It’s looking fine, now,” Elizabeth Zemo preened. “The Lair Legion’s committed. Start the others, Sally.”

As Silicone Sally stretched and shimmied to open as many communication channels as she could, a dozen more video monitors in the crowded cabin came to life.

London: Anvil Man and Dr. Teeth fight their way towards the Tower of London, threatening the crown jewels.

Paris: Evil Monkey and Biohazard infiltrate and destroy seven Michelin three-star restaurants.

Moscow: HuntingJusticeDeathMarrow and Razor Ballerina go on a shooting spree against every elite Russian military unit in town.

Tokyo: Expired Warranty and Rodney the Patronizing Git shut down every electronics store in the Ginza and humiliate dozens of salarymen to the point of seppuku.

Pyongyang: Atomic Bumpkin and Onslaughter decide to show North Korea how real renegade regimes act.

Rio de Janeiro: Suicide Blonde and Velcro Vixen cause havoc at a fashion show, driving dozens of supermodels to nervous breakdowns.

Toronto: Canadian Nightmare and DreamRipper cause mass delusions among the normally phlegmatic denizens of Bay Street.

Johannesburg: Pudu Lad and PsychoAcidPervGirl assault all the area zoos and nature reserves, causing mass stampedes of trophy animals through the streets of the Witswatersrand.

Sydney: Appendage Man and Professor Manyarms knock over every brewery in town, and head for Melbourne for more. The prime minister declares a national emergency.

Mumbai: Quake and Rimshooter, dressed up as Hindu deities, invade Bollywood studios. Their attempts at mayhem are filmed and will become the first Bollywood breakout hit, “Jumping Juggernaut.”

Baghdad: Indigo Imposter and Birthday Bandit imitate scores of Islamic terrorist leaders, causing jittery security forces to shoot at anything that walks.

Accra: Voodoo Vicar and the Mind’s Eye inflame tribal and racial rivalries to the point that the entire city is shooting at each other.

While all this was going on and Elizabeth and Sally were enthralled by the coordinated chaos they had unleashed, the Lair Legionnaires were hard pressed. A frontal attack by all six had hurt the Yurt enough for DBS to penetrate and extract a pained and dizzy Yuki, at the price of contusions, fractures and worse for the rest of the team.

"Plan 9!" Hatman gasped, barely able to use his communicard.

“Plan 9? Trickshot griped. “You got your hat there screwed on too tight, kid. Maybe I should be taking over."

CSFB! bounced by and delivered a sharp slap to the Annoying Archer's rear. “Our leader said Plan 9, Arrowhead. Besides whlch, it's so awful it's going to be cool, just like the Ed Wood movie.” He bounced away snickering.

Wlth DBS's help, the battered Legionnaires gathered at the far corner of Parody Plaza, grabbed megaphones and began reading highlights from a script.

Hatman, as Criswell: “Greetings, my friends. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future.”

The Yurt moved relentlessly toward the huddled heroes, but then shuddered to a stop as the first wave of ultimate stupidity hit him and forced him to grow by five feet in less than a second. Yuki chimed right in with the next nugget: “Now, don't you worry. The saucers are up there. The graveyard is out there. But I'll be locked up safely in there.” Somehow she held back laughter, ending the quote with only a stifled snigger.

“Yeearrgh!” groaned the Yurt as another wave of intense stupidity caused his body to writhe with an uncontrollable influx of strength.

“Let him have it, Tricky!” CSFB! called. The archer took a deep breath and yelled the Air Force Captain’s best line, “Visits? That would indicate visitors.”

“Arrghhh!” screamed the now fifty-foot tall hulking monster, whose girth was expanding by almost 10 feet per second from the stupidity exposure. Unable to take the strain, the gigantic Yurt collapsed unconscious to the ground and moaned once.

“DBS, get the inhibitor cuffs from the Mansion. Everyone else, get by him and get ready . . .”
Hatman couldn’t finish the sentence before De Brown Streak returned with the inhibitor cuffs. Moments later, the Yurt was depowered, ready to be returned to the Safe when he regained consciousness and returned to human form.

Twilight was approaching when the Baroness ordered the pilot to return to her private blimpport.

Turning to Sally, she sighed, “A good day.”

“What’s good about it? Every one of our assaults failed. We achieved nothing except a lot of destruction and six operatives in custody.”

“You’ll see.” Any explanation was cut off by a video call from the Interdimensional Transportation Corporation.

“Your Excellency?” a reedy, timid voice came through as the face of Mr. Limpqvist Lundqvist filled the monitor. The newly reinstated manager of ITC still looked harried and wan, but his former air of determination seemed to be replaced by a cringing servility.

“Good to see you,” his employer replied by rote. “Well?”

“The Thonnagarians have delivered the transmutium containers, Baroness. All 75 of them, 200 kilos each.”

“If you haven’t checked them for mass and purity, I will be greatly disappointed,” Elizabeth unleashed some scathing understatement.

“No, no, no, I checked them, I checked them all, I checked every one twice.”

“Very well. If you are certain the birdies paid up, send them their weapons and supplies. And don’t make any mistakes, unless you want to account to me /and/ to them.”

The manager turned even paler. “No, no, I mean, yes, I’ll do it right away, no delays, none at all.”

“Zemo out.” Mr. Lundqvist’s groveling image vanished.

“So you’re the one keeping the Thonnagarians going on Caph,” Sally observed.

“Hardly,” Elizabeth Zemo sneered, “they’re paying for everything they get. I’m just the supplier.”

“You know, Your Excellency, this little deal alone will make you the third or fourth largest owner of transmundium in the Parodyverse,” Silicone Sally pondered. “What do you have in mind?”

“Oh, this and that, but that reminds me.” The Baroness got Mr. Lundqvist on the scramblephone and with a few sharp words ordered him to transfer the Pigeon People’s payment directly to the cellars of Schloss Schreckhausen.

Sally’s nimble mind was still working through the implications. “Hey, wait, didn’t we just send some war supplies to the Caliph of Caph through that cut-out firm last week? Are you playing both sides?”

“Why would I do such a thing?” the Baroness replied in polite surprise.

“Well, people who don’t have an advanced view of the situation might surmise that you were trying to bleed both sides and end up with everything. But they would be wrong, of course.”

“Of course. And having the Caliph of Caph owing unpayable debts to me that could only be discharged by his subservience would certainly be something I’d never thought of – or the ability to pass intelligence to the Great Eyrie about the whereabouts of a certain dishonored warrior – never crossed my mind, hmmm?” Elizabeth’s eyes glinted with a particularly harsh light, reminding Sally of a cobra’s. With that, her assistant decided to end the conversation.

As the zeppelin neared its base, the Baroness Zemo began humming. “Dum, de dum dum, da, da, dum dum dum . . .” “Well, ‘Voltaire’,” she thought to herself, “let’s see how you do against a natural descendent of Frederick the Great.”



Notes

Plan 9 from Outer Space, a 1959 horror film written and directed by Ed Wood, is widely considered to be the worst film ever made.

The Hooded Hood, in the guise of Voltaire, appeared to wreck the Thonnagarian takeover of Caph in Untold Tales #219: Untold Tales of the Fall of Caph: Shazara Pel Must Die! (or The Saga of the Eleventh and Twelfth Caphans).

And from a long time ago: in the Parodyverse, Brig. Gen. Janis Karpinski fell dead from shock when she found her soldiers torturing prisoners in the prison she commanded in Mesopotamia. As part of the spin regime to keep her reputation and that of the army shining, she was treated as a casualty of enemy action and the Guernsey Morass Air Base near Parodiopolis was named in her honor.

Playing the part of Baroness Elizabeth Zemo

J. JONAH JERKSON
Voice of the People




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